Leaping Into The Void

When I was but a small, young thing I would stand at the top of the stairs and yell “I’m jumping!” … and then jump. Sometimes, a caring adult would make it in time to catch me. Other times, I’d crash land. Either way, it appears to have been foreshadowing. 

I’ve just completed my most recent leap. Let me be clear – it is the leap itself I have completed, not the landing. I write to you from that precarious place, mid-air, still giddy with the thrill of the jump, not quite certain where I’ll come down. I have spent the past two years (two mostly sleepless, often angst ridden but often really fun years) as Executive Director of an historic theatre. I am immensely proud of my work. I founded a membership program, brought in volunteers, organized the systems, paid the bills, got the community back through the doors. I hired excellent staff, created a culture of cooperation, and am leaving the dear old place on fairly sound financial footing, which feels mildly astounding. So I am, as I said, immensely proud of my work there.  I am also immensely proud of leaving.

When I first took on the ED role, it was a challenge.  That, I believe, is the polite word for it. I like challenges – there’s so much room for staggering improvement! Having worked my fair share of challenging jobs I knew what was called for, and I eagerly embraced the long, long days and lack of time away. But just recently…. Well …just recently I’d begun to notice I wasn’t having quite so much fun with it. Ironically, the better things actually were, the less fun I was having. I’d begun to be cranky in fact. Lucky for me, I heard myself speak and in that moment, I knew it was time to leap.

If I am honest, I did not want to leap. A planner by nature, as well as by profession, with two sons and dogs in tow, I would have loved to have mapped this move carefully. But it was not to be. Every attempt at a solid plan quickly stalled and ground itself into dust. So I leaped.

But here’s the thing…the very moment my feet left terra firma, plans began to coalesce. My beloved old cabin sold, giving me enough of a cushion to not panic, but not so much I can grow complacent; my internship, which had felt unthinkable, suddenly fell into place, giving me a logical step in the right direction towards finally completing my Master’s; and my long-time, long-distance partner suggested it was time to settle in a bit, which is just plain nice. And so here I am, mid leap. There are still loads of unknowns swirling, and the outcome is far from settled, but just as when I was a child, the point has never been the landing – it’s the leap. I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.